Wednesday 29 June 2016

Sixth chat with the rector

On 22nd June 2016 I met with the rector again. We talked first of Scotland, as I spent a week staying with friends -

[*Side note about my time in Scotland*
My trip did not involve bagpipes.
The household was one preteen, one teen, mother and father. The latter is a parish priest, so I put my vocation hat on at various points throughout the week. Talking about my vocation to a priest who is a personal friend, more catholic than me, with a very different disposition (read: quiet, composed, academic introvert), a parish priest in Scotland not England (so working for the Scottish Episcopal Church, which is Anglican but not CofE), and not of my hyper-liberal millennial bubble, was a good experience for me. He was very helpful talking about ministry, and let me sit in on a meeting with the pastoral group, and overall it was interesting seeing a priest at close quarters in the home, hearing about and seeing the day-to-day rhythm, and events and tasks involved in the job.]

- but we quickly got down to business. Last time we met, she said she would talk to the curate, talk to my clergy line manager at SMITF, and read some blog posts/watch some vlogs. She also said that she had talked to the ADO (area director of ordinands), the person to whom she will send me when she writes a reference. I was hoping to get that process going this summer, but she put her cards on the table - she doesn't want to, yet.

Disappointed panda is disappointed
So let's address the disappointment here before I continue. Yes, it's disappointing, especially as she doesn't want to refer me for at least another few months probably, bringing my total exploration pre-official discernment process to a year.

Following your calling is often an endurance test against frustration and human gatekeepers, a feature of our chosen paths about which the writer of this blog and I have commiserated each other. It sometimes feels like God is reaching into your life and deliberately putting things in the way of the path you want to take. Apparently, the path you want to take is never the one God wants you to take, even though you're trying to follow God's calling in the first place! I've mentioned God breaking down my expectations before, so really it's my own fault that I built up another plan for the future, another set of expectations to meet, not learning from the past at all. It's just so counter-intuitive to have the level of no control that even includes no expectations, I'm finding it very tricky. Doesn't stop God, God's plans still chug along, it just leads to disappointment for me. So I'm trying not to let the disappointment hang around. I do trust in God ultimately, it's not a crushing defeat, there are no crushing defeats in following God if I listen to what I'm being told to do, so I have confidence that all shall be as it should.

It was really helpful that she expanded her reservations - we engaged in discussion about how I had not given her a sense of my faith. It was in the context of 'resilient faith', an important thing to have but also, crucially, for selectors to see that I have, as it is a serious risk that in the the first few years of ministry, new priests get burnt out without the sustenance of robust faith. So over the time that we've spent talking, she hasn't seen evidence of 'who I am in the light of God' and what my relationship with God is like.

I've got to admit, I was a little astonished. Of the nine criteria, Faith was not on my list of concerns. I suspect that it's such a fundamental part of my life, it's so obvious as a basis for my calling, I've not acknowledged it explicitly in itself, or studied it, instead focusing on the manifestations of my faith, and how to go where it leads me, rather than consider the big picture, the backdrop, the bedrock on which is all stands. "They should demonstrate a personal commitment to Christ and a mature, robust faith which shapes their life and work. Candidates should show an ability to reflect critically on their faith and make connections between faith and contemporary life. They should demonstrate a capacity to communicate their faith engagingly and effectively." I have not demonstrated this, and therefore, quite rightly, my rector does not have confidence to send me to be held up to this measure.

So my homework is to do the daily examen exercise, from which I am to write notes to bring to our next session in two weeks. Apparently she sees hints of what she's looking for in my videos, and when I read out my written notes eg from my spiritual journal, so this exercise is to the wean me into looking for God in my life more consciously, and then get me to talk about it, starting with a medium that I'm better at than the pressured situation of talking one-to-one, 'off the cuff' as it were.

Things are progressing, and though it's not at a pace that is comfortable - apparently seeing her again in two weeks is 'meeting again quickly' - all shall be well. I have faith in that.


Tuesday 21 June 2016

Three priests and me

A bit more catch up on the things that have happened over my hiatus, as I explained in this post. If you missed it, the exciting outfit at an evangelical church I mentioned was discussed in this post (with pictures!)

So, what else happened?

One priest
On May 10th I had my fifth meeting with the rector about my vocation. We talked about my retreat, and the St Martin-in-the-Fields job, and referring me to the diocese official discernment process. Last time we met, we delayed to see if I got the job, because SMITF would need to be involved. This time, she wanted to check with them for confirmation that it was all okay, like, officially for SJP to carry on with me whilst working at SMITF; she also wanted to talk with the curate, as he would become my main point of contact with SJP; and the third thing she wanted to do was read this blog (if you're reading this Reverend, hello!) I sent her a list of posts to watch/read, she's talked to SMITF and the curate, and we've got another meeting this week.

Two priest





On May 16th I finally met my new boss, Revd Sam Wells, vicar at SMITF.








Three priest!
On 19th May, I met with St James' curate for the second time. I caught him up on the things I had been up to, and we also talked about the job, and I told him about meeting Sam. He latched onto Sam's question enthusiastically, which isn't a surprise; the discernment process is a case of me turning to the Church and saying 'I want to be a priest' and the Church responding 'And who are you then?' So a bit of focus on my identity will be a very helpful conversation for us to develop. I've put together two documents of questions to answer by myself to bring anything interesting that turns up to my next meeting with him in two weeks. You can find my document of questions from the DDO paperwork here, and a secular identity question sheet here.


I need to catch up on my news a bit faster! I'm going to pause my Going Further series for the moment and hopefully post quite frequently until I catch up with all that's happened/will happen.

Saturday 18 June 2016

Going Further: why are you here and why now?

See this post for an intro to this series.

During their meeting with enquirers, DDOs and Vocations Advisers will want to listen carefully to the vocational stories of the enquirers and to tease out from the enquirers their response to two key questions: ‘why are you here?’ and ‘why now?’  


Why are you here?

My life has been leading towards an inexorable future, and I fully embrace it. I am meant to be a priest, and I want to be a priest. Church is where I belong, and I want to continue the tradition, and also improve it, and provide humanity with the tools for living their lives as God's children; give them liturgy, show them wisdom, encourage dialogue and thinking about divine, philosophical, and ethical matters. I'm not wired to be able to prioritise my relationship with God without having it tangibly at the centre of my life ie. as my job, and my very identity, but it has become my priority to serve God in the best way that I can do, so I must arrange my life accordingly.

I feel such a desire to be a priest, but my calling is more than that. There is a resonance, a rightness to it, like my soul has finally been plugged into the universe and powered up. I think I would be good at it, with the right training, practice, and focus. I've always thought I would become a priest, and when the time came to put my feet on the path, I was overjoyed, terrified, unsure of the exact path ahead of me but sure that ordination was on it somewhere along the line. I think it would suit me, and be the best way for me live to the fullest - "The glory of God is a human being fully alive" (Iranaeus).

I want to nourish people's souls, even if they don't realise it. This is my part of the Church's mission to a tangible expression of God's love to the world, and becoming a priest is the best way for me to do that - it's the only way I'll fully realise it. A constant theme in my life has been stories, and I am called to use stories, listen to stories, be in stories, tell stories, spread stories, explain stories, absorb stories, nudge stories. It is by changing the stories in and the story of the world that we end suffering and bring about the next chapter - the kingdom of God.


Being a priest is the best way for me to do that in the most important context, in people's spiritual lives, their most intimate and personal relationships - with God, others, and the world. A priest has that place in people's lives. People expect you to hear their stories, you're allowed to tell stories, it's not surprising for a priest to get stuck in and change the story; your life is dedicated to the greatest story ever told, you represent that story, people look to you to get to heart of stories, and share the stories that matter. The epitome of that is reenacting the story of the Last Supper in the Eucharist, and meeting Christ at the very human setting of a shared meal. It would be amazing to have authority and duty to introduce people to Christ. It is one of my greatest joys to learn, discuss, teach, and expand my and others' horizons.

It's also important to me to express my identity, and the most important part of who I am is being a disciple of Christ. We are called to evanglise, and I think I am best suited to convey that by my unapologetic identity in devotion to following Jesus. I want to communicate the mission of spreading the good news in people's lives by trusting God to work through me, and being a priest gives me the context to do that. My gift is focus, so it makes sense that my job, and beyond that, my full-time identity, is a religious context, to put my focus to God's work. I want to have the licence to be truly enthusiastic about God and Christ, to really let my geek flag fly. I love God, and if my life can be spent in God's company, doing God's work, spreading God's love, being used by God, every day all day, in my favourite place or with lots of different people, challenged, tested, and maybe in the end doing something that has meaning - that sounds like true happiness.

Why now?
God has always been in my life. When I was a child, it was just obvious, a definite truth I didn't think about. My parents didn't tell me God existed or didn't. But when I read my children's illustrated Bible, I loved it. When I went to a CofE primary school, I learnt the Lord's prayer, said grace, went to church for harvest and Christingles; and it was great, and I wasn't really thinking about God but the worship was positive, and I wanted to keep going to Christingles after I left that school.

I realised as a teenager that I needed to start thinking about things a bit more clearly because we were studying different religions. I came to understand that I had a relationship with God through Christianity as a default setting rather than conscious belief, and that wouldn't do. At that point I actually acknowledged my faith in Christ specifically, rather than as just the version of a story of God that I went along with. I learnt about the variety of beliefs and worship styles and built a picture in my head of what sort of Christian I was, and out of the blue decided to wear a cross to publicly express that. 

God has been working my life in this step by step way the entire time, starting as the distant Father. When I started at SJP, I really started to get to know God in Christ, in fellowship and discipleship. Now I think I'm getting to know God the Spirit, a much longer, deeper process that is wakening my spirit within me. 2015 was a tough year in my spiritual life because I was building my stage management career and kept missing things at church, kept failing to develop a prayer life, and the worst point was not going to Holy Week, and feeling no sense of jubilation Easter morning.

It was at the point at which I tried to buckle down in my SM career that the heavens moved. I was not meant to establish a secular career. One day in September, I got a spiritual kick up the backside, the doors opened, and boom, NOW IS THE TIME.

I had always known this would happen. I recognised my sense of calling at 16, very clearly understanding and instantly accepting that I would end up a priest, eventually, one day. But God's schedule was not the one I had anticipated. The call, the kick, the moment that now, NOW I was to seek out my second and ultimate vocation, came much earlier than I thought. But in the grand scheme, it makes perfect sense that I drop everything and begin the next part of my journey.

My spirituality is blossoming. I've gained 8 years of personal development from my first vocation as a stage manager. I've received 5 years of parish experience and religious development. Continuing in theatre would have pushed my faith to the sidelines. And now the perfect opportunity to begin in ministry itself as plopped into my lap, to be the PA at SMITF. The reason I'm here now is because God has called me now, and God has called my now because it is the right time in my life.


Wednesday 15 June 2016

Going Further: Different models of mission and ministry

I've been digging through all the documents, forms and guidelines for candidates, DDOs, advisers, reference writers etc (available on the CofE website here). 

I would really recommend doing this - it gives a much better idea of what the church is looking for and what you're going to go through than pretty much any of the supposedly informative resources that are supposed to help you!

It's thrown up a few interesting points that I think I need to explore, either because I haven't yet explored them, or because I haven't explored them in as much depth as the documentation emphasises. I'm going to write a post on each point and this series of posts will be called "Going Further".


"Can the candidate reflect on different models of mission and ministry that they have experienced?"


I have been working on experiencing different models of ministry, but I'm not sure about different models of mission, and I haven't really reflected on the experiences I've had. Next month I'm hoping to put together some clips I've been recording about various churches I've visited, but two minutes to camera straight after a service isn't really deep reflection.



I will be the first admit that I haven't experienced a large range of ministry. When I first started going to church, it was in Australia whilst I was travelling, and I went to a different church every week as I made my way down the east coast, and continued doing so in New Zealand. But my memory of these services isn't extensive; they felt more in the vein of market research than worship at the time, and really I only remember being deeply impressed by the Antipodes' predilection for cake with their tea every week, not just biscuits!

Since then, I went to a few churches in London before St James' Piccadilly, but it is there that I have actually got to grips with communal worship and got involved, the only place I would class myself as a 'member of the regular congregation'. In the last few months, I've worshiped as a visitor in various places; I have been to lots of weekday services, worshiped at vocations events, done a whole weekend of Anglo-Catholic worship, and started familiarising myself with worship at my new church, St Martin-in-the-Fields. I have also chatted with several university chaplains, and helped one with some service feedback research.

Reflection

The Catholic weekend provided my first proper understanding of common parish ministry. It was very clear how geographical the focus was ie. their jurisdiction is the people and places within the parish bounds, and that was the biggest factor is the demographics of congregants, and the sort of services and programmes the churches offered. The physical parish sets the parameters of the ministry. There was no point in an incumbent being appointed and coming in with their own agenda. Their role seemed very reactionary, and the onus was very much on the clergy to be hands-on, in-charge, doing what was needed.


This ministry seemed restricted, and I don't mean that as a criticism, just an observation of the situation. They provided worship, that was their main mission, and then, where they could, helped those in need within the parish, supported local schools, and were involved in local life - events, charitable initiatives, celebrations etc. It was all very good work, and I admired how the prevailing attitude was can-do, positive, and doing the most that they could with what they had.


It was very different to ministry at SJP. SJP is a gathered community, so the geographical parish has little to no influence on the demographic of the congregation. It has been known for people to visit from the nearby hotels - I was very welcoming of a gentleman who strongly reminded me of the Monopoly man, and as we were chatting, I couldn't help but wonder if the three piece suit, chained pocket watch, bowler hat, and (I kid you not) monocle, as an outfit, might just be worth more than my parents' house - but it's rare. Stephen Fry lives in St James' Sq, and as a parish resident was kind enough to give us an interview for our quarterly magazine, but obviously doesn't come on a Sunday!

Anyway, the community of St James' has chosen itself. The church's main attraction is not it's the one nearest - the church's main attraction is its soul. The vision of the church is a radically inclusive interpretation of what it means to follow Christ, with a large drive to be proactive in creating change which can be seen in their mission statement. And the diversity of the community goes beyond one congregation. There are people who identify as part of the SJP community who have never met; it's a network of groups, and massive, multiple Venn diagram.
So it is deeply impressive that the ministry of St James' is just so good. I have been told over and over that there's nowhere like SJP and good gracious is that true! There is just so much going on - if that's the diagram of the people, imagine what management of it all would be drawn as! The key as I see it has been delegation. Ministry is provided by the clergy certainly, but also the entire team of staff really, like the vergers, and also a dedicated set of long-term volunteers, enthusiastic mid-term volunteers, ad-hoc volunteers, and basically everyone is welcome to pitch in.

It's a way to keep the behemoth running, and it works because of two things. One, the prevailing attitude is of encouragement and a rejection of judgement. And two, people respond to that attitude because they have chosen the church themselves, and if you've actively aligned yourself with a community, you are much more likely to want to support it.

Being a visitor at weekday services has been interesting; I’ve been to seven, three in Cambridge and four in London. I didn’t think about it before I started, but I shouldn’t have been surprised that the churches that are most likely to have actual services during the week – rather than other activities – are Anglo-Catholic, and high Anglican churches. So there hasn’t been the diversity of experience I thought I would get from visiting so many. It has been achingly lovely that the services are so familiar; the theory of Common Worship in practice is wonderfully reassuring for a newcomer.

It didn’t really give me an idea of their ministry though. I occasionally looked round at notice boards and the like, and the priests were varying degrees of welcoming. Some didn’t come up to me at all, some stood by the door and did a basic handshake greeting, and some kept me in conversation about myself, why I was there etc. Obviously the latter was most enjoyable for me (an extrovert). So the only ministry I really experienced was a dedication to keeping up tradition and a regular, frequent schedule of worship and Eucharist. Only two had coffee afterwards, both in Cambridge, and presumably they did so because they were morning services, as opposed to lunchtime or evening. The third morning service, also Cambridge, was nice simply because I was the only person who turned up, which pleased the priest no end. The intimacy of a two-person Eucharist was novel and absolutely great – the feeling of connection and sacredness was totally different to a big Sunday morning congregation affair.

The eighth church I have visited was a Sunday evening service at a conservative, evangelical church. TOTALLY different ministry, jeez. Not a Eucharist service, to my surprise. Millions of young people and students, singing worship songs with a band. A leader in casual normal clothes speaking about the church’s recent activity, and then interviewing one of the young people about their journey from Hindu to atheist to Christian, with very leading questions like “What was it that made atheism just not work for you?” Then a humongous sermon that didn’t really say much except repeat and underline very basic principles of the faith. And it was Pentecost, but was that mentioned? Nope. Which made this outfit I happened to be wearing stick out even more.

The leader came straight up to me and was very insistent in recommending I read the Gospel (as if I haven’t). A small part of me wondered if he thought I was possessed by a fire demon.

So obviously this experience was a very different ministry. The service was simple, singing and talking and reading the Bible. The thinking was minimal, the speaker similarly sticking with simple truths and not going very deep. Doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest, but people want different things out of their communal worship, and their religion itself I suppose. Not everyone responds/finds it useful to have a structured liturgical year, or have a physicality to their ritual of moving around, bowing, call and response, eating and drinking. For some, life is complicated, and religion is a way of having easy answers to big questions, so there is a part of life they don’t need to think or worry about.

It was popular, so the ministry did appeal to a lot of people. And – leaving the conservatism aside – creating a simple space for people’s spiritual life to be a relaxing, easy experience I suppose is a good ministry to provide, and the basic principles extolled were about the same as I’ve experienced elsewhere. I just hope that as the congregants get older, they go further afield to seek deeper wisdom so their journey with God doesn’t get stuck at this surface level beginners stage.

When it comes to mission, I don’t really think I have any experience. It immediately brings to mind “God Hates Fags” signs, and that’s definitely from media intake rather than personal experience.  My reflection on my experience of mission is that I need to get some!



Thursday 9 June 2016

My new job as Pastoral Assistant


(So yes, as I announced in my last post, I got the job that I mentioned in this post - in the video I talk about it 1:45 til 4:40 - I'm going to assume you've watched that and read the post.)

In September, I am going to start as pastoral assistant at St Martin-in-the-Fields, a CofE church on Trafalgar Square, of high worship style, liberal theology, and a great culture of enterprise to get out and help people. It's known for it's charity The Connection at St Martin's, as well as it's Vicar's Relief Fund and almost a century of Christmas Appeals with BBC Radio 4. They also have popular cafes in the Crypt and the Courtyard, and occasionally celebrity/royal events.

The church also has a fantastic music programme, with concerts for free at lunchtime, or by candlelight in the evening, masterclasses, jazz nights, and six in-house choirs. Every time I've been to any service, the first thing I tell people when they ask about it is "well, the music was incredible!" I don't know if I'll be able to join any of the choirs, but I really want to if I can!

I have specific duties in my role in children's ministry, liturgy, and pastoral care; and in general my role will be assisting the clergy, working with all the staff, and experiencing the breadth of the church's work. The job very much has a mutually beneficial dynamic - the PA is a team member who is part of the running of the church's work, but is also there to experience ministry with an eye to going further into it.

As I mentioned in the video, there was some discussion on whether I would be sponsored in discernment through SJP not SMITF, as they have more often sponsored their PAs themselves. As far as I'm aware, it's all okay for me to carry on with St James', so that's good.

I was so nervous before the interview. As I said in the video, I had a gut reaction to this job, and I wanted it BADLY. I've never been so nervous. If I had fucked up and not got it, I really didn't know what I would do - it seemed inconceivable that I would continue being a stage manager. It just made perfect sense that this opportunity came at exactly this moment, but unlike other perfect opportunities in my journey of faith and vocation, this was not just something I had to take. Other people decided whether I could take it.

This has been my first experience of human gate keepers in following my calling from God, and it wasn't pleasant. I had to remain realistic throughout, and whilst I kept a hope and faith alive that what I felt was right would be my path, it ultimately lay in the hands of others, and there was a chance they would say no. That is the same scenario I will encounter at every stage of the official discernment process and this preview has shown me, by gum, it's going to be hard.

But anyway, I did get it. After four days without news, I was so stressed I just upped and walked out the house and stomped out to the fields, and sat on a bench by the river, sighing, crying, and staring into the distance, like I was in an Austen novel, minus lacy hanky. I eventually rang them, but got the answer machine. Despondent, I started back home, and as I walked up church lane, they rang me back. When the good news was imparted, I stopped in my tracks and literally bent over, leaning on my knees, in utter relief. When we finished speaking, I hung up, and thew my hands in the air with an almighty "YEEEESS!" bellowed into the sleepy quiet of the village. When I got back, I told my parents and burst into tears.

I am over the moon. It's going to be an amazing job that I will enjoy, get a lot out of, and also be pretty good at. Only yesterday a friend was congratulating me on managing get paid to spend the majority of my time doing something I love ie being at church! But more seriously, the job is going to put a lot of stuff that I've only thought about in theory to the test ie. ministerial qualities and skills that I need to be a priest - do I have them? We shall see. It's going to be doing ministry, watching clergy at close quarters to see how they do it, be backstage and involved in the liturgy in a depth I just didn't have access to as a lay volunteer, and getting to grips with what it takes to run a church.

To sum up, here's an extract from my application statement:

"I have been involved with various vocations events, like day conferences, and weekends away, as well as attending a variety of services within the Anglican tradition, and going on retreat on Holy Island; but discussing and sharing conversations about my faith, my calling, and myself can only go so far in the exploration of vocation. Actually doing it is the best way to work out how one operates and what one’s gifts are; the difference I saw between talking about being a stage manager and being one at college was tremendous, only overtaken by the difference between training on the job, and doing the job as a professional!

Also being part of a prayerful worship community full-time is a unique context in which to encounter, respond to, and connect with God. I suspect there will be developments in my relationship with God that would only be possible in the opportunity of being a pastoral assistant. The role of service is an integral part of finding freedom in God."

Monday 6 June 2016

NEWS - why I've been on blog hiatus

Anyone who reads this blog regularly will know that I have not posted in a unusually long time. This is not because nothing has been happening with my vocation, you'll hopefully be glad to hear. There are in fact six different things that have happened since my Spiritual retreat on Holy Island, but because I've basically been under an 'injunction' to refrain from sharing the news about the one BIG thing, and the one-big-thing impacts my entire perspective of basically everything else, I have not wanted to share about the other things whilst dancing around the one-big-thing.

If that makes sense in English.

So in brief, the six things that have happened are

  • THE BIG THING - I have been offered and accepted the post of Pastoral Assistant at St Martin-in-the-Fields for a year starting in September

  • I met with the rector of St James' Piccadilly to discuss this job and where next to take my discernment process
  • I went to yet another church to experience a different type of service, and it was my first experience of a conservative, evangelical church, and my outfit made it a little exciting!
  • I had a meeting with the vicar of SMITF which was an interesting experience
  • I had a second meeting with the curate of SJP
  • I went on my first parish weekend away with SJP
As this is quite a lot, and normally I would have blogged each separately as I went (and I appreciate I have let myself down a tad by not writing drafts as I went, ready for the lifting of the 'injunction', as this blog is supposed by an account written as it happens, not in retrospect), I won't write a massive long blog that no one is going to read. I'm not working at the moment so I'll write separate posts for each thing over the next few weeks.

To sum up though...

I AM SO HAPPY AND EXCITED ABOUT MY NEW JOB WHICH IS EXACTLY WHERE I SHOULD BE AAAH!! :D