Sixth chat with the rector

On 22nd June 2016 I met with the rector again. We talked first of Scotland, as I spent a week staying with friends -

[*Side note about my time in Scotland*

My trip did not involve bagpipes.

The household was one preteen, one teen, mother and father. The latter is a parish priest, so I put my vocation hat on at various points throughout the week. Talking about my vocation to a priest who is a personal friend, more catholic than me, with a very different disposition (read: quiet, composed, academic introvert), a parish priest in Scotland not England (so working for the Scottish Episcopal Church, which is Anglican but not CofE), and not of my hyper-liberal millennial bubble, was a good experience for me. He was very helpful talking about ministry, and let me sit in on a meeting with the pastoral group, and overall it was interesting seeing a priest at close quarters in the home, hearing about and seeing the day-to-day rhythm, and events and tasks involved in the job.]

- but we quickly got down to business. Last time we met, she said she would talk to the curate, talk to my clergy line manager at SMITF, and read some blog posts/watch some vlogs. She also said that she had talked to the ADO (area director of ordinands), the person to whom she will send me when she writes a reference. I was hoping to get that process going this summer, but she put her cards on the table - she doesn't want to, yet.

Disappointed panda is disappointed

So let's address the disappointment here before I continue. Yes, it's disappointing, especially as she doesn't want to refer me for at least another few months probably, bringing my total exploration pre-official discernment process to a year.

Following your calling is often an endurance test against frustration and human gatekeepers, a feature of our chosen paths about which the writer of this blog and I have commiserated each other. It sometimes feels like God is reaching into your life and deliberately putting things in the way of the path you want to take. Apparently, the path you want to take is never the one God wants you to take, even though you're trying to follow God's calling in the first place! I've mentioned God breaking down my expectations before, so really it's my own fault that I built up another plan for the future, another set of expectations to meet, not learning from the past at all. It's just so counter-intuitive to have the level of no control that even includes no expectations, I'm finding it very tricky. Doesn't stop God, God's plans still chug along, it just leads to disappointment for me. So I'm trying not to let the disappointment hang around. I do trust in God ultimately, it's not a crushing defeat, there are no crushing defeats in following God if I listen to what I'm being told to do, so I have confidence that all shall be as it should.

It was really helpful that she expanded her reservations - we engaged in discussion about how I had not given her a sense of my faith. It was in the context of 'resilient faith', an important thing to have but also, crucially, for selectors to see that I have, as it is a serious risk that in the the first few years of ministry, new priests get burnt out without the sustenance of robust faith. So over the time that we've spent talking, she hasn't seen evidence of 'who I am in the light of God' and what my relationship with God is like.

I've got to admit, I was a little astonished. Of the nine criteria, Faith was not on my list of concerns. I suspect that it's such a fundamental part of my life, it's so obvious as a basis for my calling, I've not acknowledged it explicitly in itself, or studied it, instead focusing on the manifestations of my faith, and how to go where it leads me, rather than consider the big picture, the backdrop, the bedrock on which is all stands. "They should demonstrate a personal commitment to Christ and a mature, robust faith which shapes their life and work. Candidates should show an ability to reflect critically on their faith and make connections between faith and contemporary life. They should demonstrate a capacity to communicate their faith engagingly and effectively." I have not demonstrated this, and therefore, quite rightly, my rector does not have confidence to send me to be held up to this measure.

So my homework is to do the daily examen exercise, from which I am to write notes to bring to our next session in two weeks. Apparently she sees hints of what she's looking for in my videos, and when I read out my written notes eg from my spiritual journal, so this exercise is to the wean me into looking for God in my life more consciously, and then get me to talk about it, starting with a medium that I'm better at than the pressured situation of talking one-to-one, 'off the cuff' as it were.

Things are progressing, and though it's not at a pace that is comfortable - apparently seeing her again in two weeks is 'meeting again quickly' - all shall be well. I have faith in that.